Unit 7: Communication Skills
The Dirty Dozen
Some responses have a disruptive effect on communication because they tend to interrupt the first speaker and distract his or her train of thought. Most of these responses imply a desire to change or control the speaker. That is, they serve to take responsibility away from the speaker and put the listener in charge.
Negative responses often put the original speaker on the defensive, making him or her resistant and resentful. The defensive speaker then begins to defend and hide ideas or feelings, rather than disclose them.
On the other hand, unnecessarily or inaccurately positive feedback misleads the person about his or her behavior. Remember, effective feedback provides useful information about a person’s behavior. It does not necessarily make him or her feel good.
Try to recall a situation in which you either used or heard each of the following kinds of responses. What were your feelings? What happened to the conversation? Please note that these responses are not necessarily bad; they are the “dirty dozen” when they are used inappropriately.
• Ordering, Directing, Commanding,-Telling others to do something, such as giving an order or command.
“Say that again.”
“Slow down.”
“Don’t speak to me like that.”
• Warning, Threatening, Promising-Telling others of the consequences that will follow if something is or is not done.
“One more time and you are finished.”
“Calm down and I will listen.”
“If you do that, you will be sorry.”
• Moralizing, Preaching, Shoulds and Oughts-Telling someone what is “correct.”
“You ought to go first.”
“That’s not right.”
“You shouldn’t act like that.”
• Advising, Giving Suggestions or Solutions-Giving undue advice or telling others how to solve problems, rather than letting them solve the problems for themselves.
“Why don’t you say so?”
“I would suggest you complain about it.”
“Try to do it this way. “
• Lecturing, Teaching, Giving Logical Arguments -Trying to unduly influence others with facts, arguments, or your own opinion rather than facilitating their decision making effort.
“Look at it this way.”
“You’re in charge; it’s your problem.”
“When I was your age, I didn’t have so much.”
“I told you that would happen. “
• Judging, Criticizing, Disagreeing, Blaming-Making a harshly negative judgment or evaluation of someone when the same message could be shaped in a more productive way.
“That was a foolish thing to do.”
“I couldn’t disagree with you more.”
• Praising, Agreeing-Offering a positive evaluation without specifying what it is you are agreeing with or praising.
“I think you’re right.”
“That was great.”
“We are proud of you.”
• Name-Calling, Stereotyping, Shaming - Labeling other people; making them feel foolish.
“Okay, Mr. Wiseguy.”
“All women drive like that.”
“You’re acting like an idiot.”
• Interpreting, Analyzing, Diagnosing - Presuming to know what people’s underlying motives are.
“You really don’t believe that, do you?”
“You’re just saying that to bug me.”
“Now I know why you did that.”
• Reassuring, Sympathizing, Consoling, Supporting -Inappropriately trying to make others feel better by talking them out of or belittling their feelings, thus denying the strength of their feelings.
“You will feel different next time.”
“I used to feel that way too.”
“Everyone makes mistakes.”
“We are all behind you.”
• Probing, Questioning, Interrogating-Unnecessarily and excessively trying to find the reasons, motives, or causes of others’ behavior, beyond their willingness to provide them.
“When did you begin feeling this way?”
“Who gave you that idea?”
“What will you do the next time?”
• Withdrawing, Distracting, Humoring-Trying to get others to look away from their problems by distracting or kidding them out of them.
“Why don’t you forget it?”
“Let’s talk about something else.”